Tough Stuff..sometimes you have to look close to tame the beast

So far I have enjoyed blogging about mostly the good stuff in life. The fun I have being a parent and a chef for families.Well with the good there always there is some not so good. Most everything that needs work on in our world is something that I have lost control of. Like laundry, that runs a-muck in my house. The things that are weighing the heaviest on my mind now are the lessons I have screwed up for our oldest and youngest children. Now don't get me wrong trouble is equally distributed amongst all our kids. While they are great performers when that preferable carrot is dangling, they get lost on the minutia of life, so do I. This is why my laundry runs amuck and what it takes for me to tame the evil beast. Well that is the lesson I need to work on for my family. Doing what needs to be done not always what we want to do.

Where it all began

Let me start with the little one. This one  problem can really be hung on me. My kids have joked me about spoiling the Biz. Well, all I can say is that it has not been my intention. It is just sometimes easier, oops there is that word, to give in then to fight. With number five I have done just that, given in, paved the way for stubborn procrastination. I have been working hard on getting her to clean her room, with out parental intervention for over 2 weeks. It is a mess and I know she is capable of cleaning it because if I dangled the right carrot she would get it done. Well I have run out of carrots for her. What has been done differently recently? Yes I started working after my 15 years of stay at home Mom-ing but I only work 2 days a week. Can you really call that work? There was a reminder from the other kids..I remember now. Sundays were clean the house days. We would clean the common rooms based  on our chore chart and bedrooms were left for the occupant. Well when the kids are still in single digits that can take a while. I recall Greyson taking about 7 hours, locked in his room to clean it. Now he was not cleaning for 7 hours he was fiddling, reading playing..then like thirty minutes of cleaning to be done with his room. The principle was that she had to stay there and stick with it until it was done. I have let that go for a time. Biz would start on her room and then be distracted by something in the house and move on, never finishing here task. The beast came back, I found her within. Up she went to here room and I followed, locked that door from the outside and said get to it!!! Kids will always push your buttons when they can. So did the Biz. She asked me to help her clean, complained of numerous aches and injuries, she needed food and water. Really she was only up there for an hour or so. She was not treated cruelly or with malevolent intent. All things considered, it took two weeks to get her going, in the end she did a great job. From this day forward I know with out a doubt she can clean her room. Thank goodness we haven't turned her lock back to the inside. I think I will continue to harbor the inner beast.

 She did it.

That pesky oldest child has a terrible habit of robbing Peter to pay Paul. He is not very inclined to take care of his basic needs, like cooking for himself. Not even make a sandwich. It takes to much time away from twitter and facebook to prepare food for himself. Now I do know that he sometimes, when home eats what I feed him and at school he has the dinning hall. Those are freebies in his life. Really we are a bonus. Still his temptation to go out for wings (and whatever else) with friends or grab a smoothie and a wrap after a long work out are his go to habit. Now it is not exactly fair to say he is a total slacker here. This summer he did manage to save for a car..took him everyday of his break from school. He did make some concessions in his life to do this. Truthfully if he had actually cut the fat he would have been ahead of the game. He is learning, I hope.



 Learning to weigh our options



I can take some responsibility here too. for a long time I was always the mom that took Tad and whichever conglomeration he had gathered, swim car pool, teens who needed a ride, tag-a-longs,and would get smoothies, milkshakes or Slurpee's. I can take credit for my kids storming 7-11 on July 11th every year.We would drive from store to store to see how many free Slurpee we could get. Grabbing food or snacks on the go came sort of naturally. It was not something he (or we) gave thought too. My well was deeper then his. When I foot the bill it is a little easier absorbed then when he tries to "save" for college expenses and a car over one summer. When you look at the debit card deductions from his checking account and add it all up it can be a sizable amount. The lesson I have tried to impart to Tad is that you have to pay for the needs first and foremost. The wants in life come second and fun must come LAST.

These are life disciplines for all my kids; put in the hard work in up front. That may be learning saving for the needs first or how to keep you personal space in order and clean. As a parent sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees. When things begin to thin out we need to take the time and re-enforce these lessons or undo our lapses as parents.  I will reward my kids with little things at home, like their favorite Peanut Butter Chocolate chip cookies, try them on your family. I just need to be sure in 9 years that they can all handle themselves outside of our home. They will be visitors in Costa Rica when I retire.

Homemade Cookies for a Crew;

4 sticks of sweet cream butter
3/4 peanut butter, crunchy is best
11/2 cups sugar
11/2 cups brown sugar
1T vanilla extract
4 eggs
5-51/2 cups Flour ( I use equal parts cake flour and all purpose flour)
2 t baking powder
1/2t baking soda
1t salt
17 ounces cups chocolate chips(1-11 ounce semi-sweet and 60nces milk chocolate)

Bake at 325.  Here are my favorite cookie tips; Bake long and low for a softer cookie. I also mix my flour to help the softness and chewier factor. Never can get enough vanilla. If you are hard core chewy Cookie person, sub half the butter for 1 Crisco stick.

1) Cream butter and sugars until light and fluffy.
2) Add vanilla and eggs and beat until incorporated
3)Mix  together all dry ingredients; flours, baking powder, baking soda and salt.
4) Mix in the dry ingredients into butter and eggs in 2 parts. ( if still loose and shiny add the additional 1/2c flour)
5) Stir in the chocolate chips.
6) Allow dough to rest for 1 hour in refrigerator.
7)Portion and bake for 18-20 minutes. Yield 72- 2' cookies
1T vanila

Swaqq Sweaters, Tinsel on the tree and the return of the Prodigal son.

Challenges, I like a good challenge. Most anyone does. It tests my organizational skills, my stamina and sanity. This week of the Holiday season (really more like two weeks) I am stretched. I have lots of work to do, actual work. Not just the kind were I am taking care of the people that live under my roof. Those people under my roof brings me around to the title; tacky sweaters are a thing this year and happened to be the theme of the holiday flash mob. Thank goodness Tad returned a day early surprising me. I needed all the help I could get for this soiree.There would be, as always, a few stragglers that I love hanging on through the next morning. Trying to fill every available minute  on the last weekend before Christmas we also planned our family tree trimming and the twins birthday.


Believe me the next morning there was no time wasted, I ever so gently, with hot and fresh now Krispy Kreme donuts, woke my slumbering guest and put them to work. It was time for the turn around for party number two. Do I need to check my sanity or what, right?The kids dragged themselves out of their sleeping spaces and wolfed down 2 dozen warm donuts and a gallon of OJ, in a matter of minutes. I was busy in the kitchen making the biggest pot of chili  possible in my Strega Nona pot. I had to have something to feed people that I expected to decorate my tree. I changed a few things up this year to accommodate the late arrival, or what I thought was going to be the late arrival of my eldest son from college. I always have the tree party  on a weekend night and it goes until the wee hours. Seeing as though I gave the only open weekend night to teens with swagger, Sunday afternoon was our time. Man did it throw my kids for a loop. Personally, I had no trouble enjoying my Old Vine Zin, never do.There is no better wine to imbibe with my chili, made with Pork tenderloin, lots of chili's & cilantro and 3 kinds of beans. Here is how I do it:

Magic Pot of Chili

Ingredients;

 1/4c  olive oil

3 medium onions, finely diced

5 ribs of celery,diced

4 cloves Garlic chopped

1 diced Bell pepper

6 ounces diced green chili's( divided into 2)

1 large bunch of fresh Cilantro chopped

3 pounds Pork tenderloin, diced 

1 pound Ground pork (can use beef or chicken here too)

15 oz Black beans, drained

15oz Dark Kidney beans, drained

15oz Pinto beans

28oz diced tomato

#10 of Angelia Mia tomato

seasoning:(Mix this together in a small dish)

1T Chili powder ( dark red Mexican)

2 t smoked paprika

2t ground cumin

1T sea salt

1/2t Cayenne pepper

1t black pepper

1- Preheat an extra large stock pot; add olive oil, garlic, onions and celery. Begin sweating over medium high heat

2-Once the vegetables begin to soften add the diced pork tenderloin and season liberally.Add first half of the chili's and 2 T chopped cilantro

3- Continue sweating the meat and vegetables until meat no longer looks raw, 10 minutes.

4-Add diced tomatoes and ground pork, add more seasonings. Stir frequently to break up the ground meat.

5-Add all drained beans  stir into above mixture , re-season

6-Add Angela Mia tomatoes and 2T cilantro.Add remaining seasoning. Now the chili will be thick enough for a spoon to stand straight up. Cover and let simmer over medium heat for several hours. Stir every time you pass by.Serve the chili with grated cheddar and Monterrey jack, sour cream and chopped cilantro.

Before I start on that family tradition let me tell the story of  the fun that was had on Saturday night. As you all may have gathered my twins were born near Christmas. For kids it feels like a curse to have a birthday near Christmas. I am not much for the birthday party and the giving of frivolous gifts in obscene amounts. For the twins they like to gather and host friends on any occasion; The Swag sweater party (aka Tacky Sweater) was a revamp of the birthday party. This was the 15th year, not the big Sweet, or in some cases Studly, 16th party that is next year. Here in lies the reason for the party, an excuse to uh, party with out the giving of frivolous gifts. I granted permission and allowed the guest list of 85 in trade for Sarah's slave labor to prepare for our family shindig. Good trade on my part right. As you have already read I even got a few extra hands in the clean up and prep for the tree trimming. So am I brilliant or what? Crazy, is more like it.

After all the mandatory weekend to-do , track practice, dinner date with BFF's, sleeping over were out of the way Sarah was mine.  She had requested a simple party with out much but some Christmas cookies and a Tacky sweater cake. Ha, should have known that was too easy. I was all over the cake. I had already done tons of baking for the week and had tons more to come so my girl was the baker. I was up at 5:30 making cookie doughs for her to bake off. Well she and the Biz found there Christmas footie PJ's and dressed up in them and rolled out all the dough making tons of yummy cookies. There were the best rolled sugar cookies in the world( recipe you can find here) and Peanut Butter blossoms with Hershey kisses.

Rolled Sugar Cookie dough: Yield 48 large cookies

12 ounces butter, soften
2 cups granulated sugar
4 eggs
2t vanilla extract
5 cups flour
2t baking powder
1 t salt
1- Cream soft butter and sugar, until light and fluffy.
2- Add eggs one at a time and add vanilla
3- mix together the flour, salt and baking powder.
4- add dry ingredients to butter and egg mixture in 3 parts
5- remove from mixing bowl and wrap and refrigerate for up to 2 hours.
6- after chilling roll out a portion cut in your favorite shapes. Bake at 400 for 12-15 minutes. Until the edges brown.
7-  Sprinkle these cookies with decorative sugar or ice with colorful frosting.

There is always a daily trip to  Target during the Holiday season, today it was  to create the Tacky-Swag sweater prize..Yes there were prizes, one for girls and one for the boys. The kids that wore the Swaggy sweaters went all out. The winner for the boys had lighted snow hills and 3-D snowmen. The girls made the Hannah Montana and Oliver sweaters. It was great. The kids had a blast dancing and singing laughing and eating. Just because we could, my partner in crime for the night, Karen Logan and I had the contestants strut their stuff. The boys were such comedians they kind of out shone the girls. Still it was fun and hysterical to watch. Next year, when we do have the studly & sweet 16 to contend with, we will most likely resurrect the Swag sweater party. I can feel the momentum building, this year light up sweaters and next year synchronized lights and music!

Every year around the twins birthday, we invite all our friends, neighbors and family over. I put a naked Christmas tree in front of them and in the end its PERFECT.Sunday was the 18th and time to finally get our tree up. It may seem crazy to those who put their tree up right after Thanksgiving but really it is not. The likelihood that our tree will come down before the end of January is slim to none. You see we just get our enjoyment on the other end of things. Shortly after 8:30 in the morning I had a house filled with sleep deprived teens picking up trash and vacuuming up the remains of the sweater party. The chili was on to cook and my house was ready for my friends and their families. Beer was in the cooler and there was plenty of wine. Jon even mopped the kitchen floor for me. I could tell the holiday was going to be a good one. When Jon's sisters walked in I was assured my tree would be flawlessly decorated. It actually made me giddy to think that the impeccable taste and attention to detail for Christmas decorating was being mentored to my youngest, Isabelle or the Biz. I may never have to decorate my tree, sigh-a good sigh.

As I often express here I love to fill my house with people, noise and food. For the afternoon soiree we all bring a little something to share.My longest friendship is with Koggie(I say longest not oldest because we are sensitive about our age, ha)every time she walks through my door it is though she is Pavlov's dog.Can you think of any higher praise?The gathering is all about relaxing,catching up and

enjoying the spirit of the season.It is a tradition to celebrate my twins birthday on this day.Our friends and neighbors have come to expect it.There are adults, kids, bonfires and tree trimming. It is a marker of the season,Christmas is right around the corner. Its our tradition as a family and for our hood.

When do you stop being a Mom and start being friends...or am I just weird?

Laughter reverberates through my brain, I am the Mother of five. Four of these kids are teenagers.Sometimes I am the one generating that noise, other times it comes from all around me.The fact that I have five kids is often the first thing out of my mouth if it is a chance meeting or you just happen to be the clerk at the check out. I really believe  I was meant to be a boy Mom. Males never rattle me, set me off, or infuriate me. My daughters really do rattle me, push those buttons and generally give me gray hair. When looking ahead to this time a few years back, it came to me that in just a year or so I would have two 15 year old, one 17, one 19. Oh yeah, don't forget the nine year old..(What was I thinking!!) This revelation made me ask, will this job of Mom get easier??Will all this teen angst turn into friendship? In the eyes of our children are we always an authority figure, I use this term very loosely.

The last few years with my oldest daughter Sarah have tried my patience. She rarely agrees with me without a long and usually loud discussion. Loud discussions where a part of how I was raised; it never meant that you held anger or animosity toward whoever you were raising the octaves towards. It was more that if you could get louder then the other then maybe you could take this round. It must be in Sarah's genes, we also discuss things just like this, loud and sometimes with tears. The last three years have been Mom years for sure. I almost did not make it out of Middle school with all my marbles.

When Sarah was little I remember watching Mean Girls and thinking how funny it was. It felt different when my girl was the one that mean girls chose to pick on. This was our first big blow up were the old wise Mom swooping in was not at all appreciated. At the end of 6th grade Sarah was dealing with, in retrospect, some friends trying to knock Sarah down a peg or two by throwing around grown words meant to hurt. Seriously who would not have wanted to? Sarah stepped into Lynnhaven Middle School athletic, smart and gregarious. Her pride in her school and enjoyment of her budding teen age years was infectious. She stepped on the track at LMS for her first meet and threw down a gauntlet that is still generating a new wave of competition. All this and a deep sense of loyalty and independence made Mom obsolete. So you shift into guide mode and hope that what you are saying is being heard. It is during this shift that your relationship changes.

For a time I did feel obsolete. Like an observer on the sidelines. Only allowed into action when there was a need for money, a ride, food, or laundry. That's what you do, you give with out the take. If things are falling apart you inject any wisdom you can and stand back. For so many this a HUGE problem. We spend the elementary school years fostering friendships, arranging play dates, supporting the team. When that time comes to step back we don't know how. So we fight for our right to be the Mom. Be that Mom we think the world wants us to be; disapproving, judgemental(boy I have been called this one!). We are still trying to make all the right moves, get the best position for our daughters. Are these the moves we where meant to make? Is what we want our child to become part of natural development? When we insist that our word be the last word are we robbing our relationship to be right?

Navigating your parent child relationship is not really taught. It is born of your experiences. Those experiences with your own parents. From my experience I was totally perplexed; I was rotten beyond belief. Sarah in comparison is Mother Theresa. I have been told I was spoiled, I believe it. She never expects anything and is happy with what she has. Making things work is an art form for her. Rebellious, to my parents perspective but disruptive by today's standards. I lived in a house that had restrictive expectations that challenged my rebellion. The values that lie at Sarah's core are strong , stubborn and constantly call me into accountability.  It gives me great pleasure to watch her grow into this amazing young woman. Still at the very base of her potential she is climbing to new heights.The friendships I made were any that helped me to break out of the mold. Sarah is a fierce and loyal friend. Standing up to trouble with the same passion she finds in her joy. She keeps her friends close.

Sarah is like the Lucy, from Peanuts, hanging her Psychiatrist sign out to advise her friends. It hard to tell if the deep practical and honest tips she gives her friends are a result of nature or nurture. From the sidelines it doesn't really matter. She is giving and stands behind those that need her. As I have carried on in past blogs Sarah is the nucleus behind our flash mobs. She will casually tell me a friends is coming over that needs to get away and that will turn into 4 girls before the sun rises. It is comical to walk through the house on the weekends and see teenagers crashed on every available horizontal surface. Parents fear not, we keep the boys and girls on different levels. David is the enforcer and no one gets by Dave. (Not even his Mom) Have memories of a busy household when I was a preteen with teenage sisters. Most of those memories I was the kids getting out of her house to another oasis.So having the,boisterous friends of my girl around is a blessing I am thankful for.I would have it no other way.

It is my belief that the world would be a better place if you maintained the playful personality that we have as a young adults. Sarah, Hannah, Riley, Eden and all of those friends that have figured out that I am Margaret not Mom anymore, help me to nurture the child inside. Now don't get the wrong idea, I am not and never will be living vicariously through any of my children. That goes quadruple for Sarah. Sarah and her girls, and I would be remiss if I did not mention the boys in her life, make me laugh. It is the laughter of their enjoyment of life. It is laughter because I am so lucky that I have this daughter and her friends to entertain me. The relationship has become almost void of angst. Knowing my place and stepping to the side has not been the easy road for either of us. There is hope that I have fostered a deep mutual respect and loyal friendship.

She is her own person. Things I love she may love but in a totally different way. I have a great love for photography but it comes from hiding behind the lens. Sarah loves the art of it and the technology she can use to manipulate it. It drives her crazy if I say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, so I wont. :) Sarah is on the doorstep of her 15th birthday. She is almost half way through freshman year. She has her eye planted on the future. She is plowing ahead grabbing her opportunities as a leader , an athlete and a woman. The drive is within her, not me. The pride is hers, not mine. The joy and tears we share together like friends. Mom, I will always be. Handling my daughter is in my past. It is the sidelines for me from here out.

The men in my life are all my friends, yes David that means you too. I feed them, make sure they get plenty of exercise, feed them again and give them clean boxers. It is a much simpler relationship. I know I have set a mark for other women in their lives to reach. Fortunately for my boys it is not a pedestal. So in five years we will back here and I hope my formula for a Mother daughter relationship works again.