When do you stop being a Mom and start being friends...or am I just weird?

Laughter reverberates through my brain, I am the Mother of five. Four of these kids are teenagers.Sometimes I am the one generating that noise, other times it comes from all around me.The fact that I have five kids is often the first thing out of my mouth if it is a chance meeting or you just happen to be the clerk at the check out. I really believe  I was meant to be a boy Mom. Males never rattle me, set me off, or infuriate me. My daughters really do rattle me, push those buttons and generally give me gray hair. When looking ahead to this time a few years back, it came to me that in just a year or so I would have two 15 year old, one 17, one 19. Oh yeah, don't forget the nine year old..(What was I thinking!!) This revelation made me ask, will this job of Mom get easier??Will all this teen angst turn into friendship? In the eyes of our children are we always an authority figure, I use this term very loosely.

The last few years with my oldest daughter Sarah have tried my patience. She rarely agrees with me without a long and usually loud discussion. Loud discussions where a part of how I was raised; it never meant that you held anger or animosity toward whoever you were raising the octaves towards. It was more that if you could get louder then the other then maybe you could take this round. It must be in Sarah's genes, we also discuss things just like this, loud and sometimes with tears. The last three years have been Mom years for sure. I almost did not make it out of Middle school with all my marbles.

When Sarah was little I remember watching Mean Girls and thinking how funny it was. It felt different when my girl was the one that mean girls chose to pick on. This was our first big blow up were the old wise Mom swooping in was not at all appreciated. At the end of 6th grade Sarah was dealing with, in retrospect, some friends trying to knock Sarah down a peg or two by throwing around grown words meant to hurt. Seriously who would not have wanted to? Sarah stepped into Lynnhaven Middle School athletic, smart and gregarious. Her pride in her school and enjoyment of her budding teen age years was infectious. She stepped on the track at LMS for her first meet and threw down a gauntlet that is still generating a new wave of competition. All this and a deep sense of loyalty and independence made Mom obsolete. So you shift into guide mode and hope that what you are saying is being heard. It is during this shift that your relationship changes.

For a time I did feel obsolete. Like an observer on the sidelines. Only allowed into action when there was a need for money, a ride, food, or laundry. That's what you do, you give with out the take. If things are falling apart you inject any wisdom you can and stand back. For so many this a HUGE problem. We spend the elementary school years fostering friendships, arranging play dates, supporting the team. When that time comes to step back we don't know how. So we fight for our right to be the Mom. Be that Mom we think the world wants us to be; disapproving, judgemental(boy I have been called this one!). We are still trying to make all the right moves, get the best position for our daughters. Are these the moves we where meant to make? Is what we want our child to become part of natural development? When we insist that our word be the last word are we robbing our relationship to be right?

Navigating your parent child relationship is not really taught. It is born of your experiences. Those experiences with your own parents. From my experience I was totally perplexed; I was rotten beyond belief. Sarah in comparison is Mother Theresa. I have been told I was spoiled, I believe it. She never expects anything and is happy with what she has. Making things work is an art form for her. Rebellious, to my parents perspective but disruptive by today's standards. I lived in a house that had restrictive expectations that challenged my rebellion. The values that lie at Sarah's core are strong , stubborn and constantly call me into accountability.  It gives me great pleasure to watch her grow into this amazing young woman. Still at the very base of her potential she is climbing to new heights.The friendships I made were any that helped me to break out of the mold. Sarah is a fierce and loyal friend. Standing up to trouble with the same passion she finds in her joy. She keeps her friends close.

Sarah is like the Lucy, from Peanuts, hanging her Psychiatrist sign out to advise her friends. It hard to tell if the deep practical and honest tips she gives her friends are a result of nature or nurture. From the sidelines it doesn't really matter. She is giving and stands behind those that need her. As I have carried on in past blogs Sarah is the nucleus behind our flash mobs. She will casually tell me a friends is coming over that needs to get away and that will turn into 4 girls before the sun rises. It is comical to walk through the house on the weekends and see teenagers crashed on every available horizontal surface. Parents fear not, we keep the boys and girls on different levels. David is the enforcer and no one gets by Dave. (Not even his Mom) Have memories of a busy household when I was a preteen with teenage sisters. Most of those memories I was the kids getting out of her house to another oasis.So having the,boisterous friends of my girl around is a blessing I am thankful for.I would have it no other way.

It is my belief that the world would be a better place if you maintained the playful personality that we have as a young adults. Sarah, Hannah, Riley, Eden and all of those friends that have figured out that I am Margaret not Mom anymore, help me to nurture the child inside. Now don't get the wrong idea, I am not and never will be living vicariously through any of my children. That goes quadruple for Sarah. Sarah and her girls, and I would be remiss if I did not mention the boys in her life, make me laugh. It is the laughter of their enjoyment of life. It is laughter because I am so lucky that I have this daughter and her friends to entertain me. The relationship has become almost void of angst. Knowing my place and stepping to the side has not been the easy road for either of us. There is hope that I have fostered a deep mutual respect and loyal friendship.

She is her own person. Things I love she may love but in a totally different way. I have a great love for photography but it comes from hiding behind the lens. Sarah loves the art of it and the technology she can use to manipulate it. It drives her crazy if I say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, so I wont. :) Sarah is on the doorstep of her 15th birthday. She is almost half way through freshman year. She has her eye planted on the future. She is plowing ahead grabbing her opportunities as a leader , an athlete and a woman. The drive is within her, not me. The pride is hers, not mine. The joy and tears we share together like friends. Mom, I will always be. Handling my daughter is in my past. It is the sidelines for me from here out.

The men in my life are all my friends, yes David that means you too. I feed them, make sure they get plenty of exercise, feed them again and give them clean boxers. It is a much simpler relationship. I know I have set a mark for other women in their lives to reach. Fortunately for my boys it is not a pedestal. So in five years we will back here and I hope my formula for a Mother daughter relationship works again.